Turkey?

so you folks are always hip and happening. and this is my first thanksgiving of my very own. and my family is full of dysfunctional and abusive schmucks, so i can't call and get mom's sweet potato recipe.

but my question involves The Turkey. i have never cooked a turkey before, or even a roasting chicken or anything like it. i was a vegan from the age of 14 until about 6 months ago (i'm 27), so the only cooking of meat i've done has been either chicken breasts using recipes, or tuna from a can. i don't really have any interest in red meat, but i will eat poultry and turkey.

so how the hell do you cook a turkey? i'm sure everyone has their own quirks about it, and i'd like to hear as many as possible to get an idea of something that fits for me.

thanks!